Maybe like me you have looked at amazing women and thought about just how much they have it all together! And then you remember, well I could never do that or go there because see…I have this dark history that used to remind me that yup, you are invalidated because of your “stuff”.  For too long I let my past prevent my future. I allowed the darkness to overshadow the glowing ember within me that was just waiting for the deep breath to inhale, ignite and begin to grow that light inside of me to a blaze.

Regret was one of the enemies of my soul. I was so filled with regret from the things I allowed myself to partake in as a young teen that shame trumped every attempt at my climbing out of the pit my self-destructive lifestyle had dug. I was living what I deserved falling into abusive relationships, because I wasn’t worthy of anything else. I truly thought that my life was worthless and that I would never know true happiness.

I became a Christian in thanks to Christian media and while watching the 700 Club as a young troubled 30 year old mom of three and in a live-in relationship. It was in thanks to the program’s willingness to show their testimony segments that I realized that maybe, just maybe there was hope for me and my very messy past. So I responded to the call from Pat Robertson to receive Christ by praying with him that day in 1984 and I accepted Jesus as my Savior.

It would be wonderful to say that everything changed that day! And spiritually it did, however it took thirteen years for me to struggle through my past regrets. After getting myself involved in my husband’s church (I married the guy I was living with in 1986) and had started to attend the church he grew up in so that he would feel compelled to come back too. At that time it sure seemed as though it was a ‘do good’ church full of people who were so good that I could in no way feel comfortable as I compared myself to them because of this past I was dragging along. So I couldn’t get close to people in the church for fear they may see my baggage and judge me for it. It took some time but I began to see that many were like me, being very good at wearing masks.

My tendency is to please because I don’t want another rejection! I have been rejected it seems forever. Serious rejections like from the father of my firstborn who got me pregnant when I was just 17, then refused to be responsible for us. And the guy who convinced me to abort our baby because he wasn’t ready to handle another kid just yet…Like relationships that were always based on what they could get from me and then they would leave me. I always gave myself away thinking that was how I could hold on to someone. Oh I was so young, needy and looking for love in all the wrong places.

I am grateful to God for allowing me to get to the place where I began to question if this was all there was to this ‘Christian’ life? A place that brought me to my knees.  And then on my face in a desperate search and desire to know Him, really know Him in a deeper way. I surrendered my yucky marriage, my troubled children and my pitiful life and begged God to do something. It was then that God met me in this pathetic state of being and where He rescued me.

“I waited patiently for the Lord; and He inclined to me and heard my cry.

He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay.

And he set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm.

He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God;

Many will see and fear and will trust in the Lord.”

A portion of Scripture that I have laid claim to and have called my own from Psalm 40:1-3! I am eternally thankful for His redeeming love that was the healing balm poured over me so that I would know that I do have purpose and that He saved me from my past. That is how I am now able to open up and let others know that they don’t have to be silent and that God is more than able to heal our wounded beginnings. My love for Him is immense!

I love this song from Point of Grace and often sing it when I share my story: